


it's okay (we're just scared)

by MyShameMachine



Series: trans female caleb widogast [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Abortion, Acceptance, Coming Out, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Multi, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Jester Lavorre, Tags Are Hard, Trans Caleb Widogast, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, also not nearly as dark as it sounds, hopefully, mild spoiler for episode 57, not from the m9 though, nothing is explicit really, probably not canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 16:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyShameMachine/pseuds/MyShameMachine
Summary: Basically, Caleb Widogast is a trans woman.





	1. but first

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't seen any trans fics for Crit Role where the character is another binary gender. I am nonbinary, not a trans woman, so please tell me if anything is offensive or wrong. Also, this is my first published fic, so please be gentle. Enjoy!
> 
> Title is from "We're Alive" by Cavetown.

It had always been this way, as long as Caleb (and before that, Bren) could remember.

 

Bren can remember being three and pulling on her mother's dress. 

“Mommy, can I have one?” She'd asked.Her mother had looked at her, confused. 

“What do you want, darling?” Her mother had asked.

“Dress, mommy! I want a dress!” She responded.

“Oh! Well. Alright. We'll get you one at the next market, then, sweetie”, Her mother was a little hesitant, but Bren didn't care. She was getting a dress! She grinned and dashed off, leaving her mother behind to wonder.

Bren is so, so smart. She helps her parents save every penny and they buy books together. Sometimes the shopkeepers give her weird looks, ask if she's planning on doing this and studying at the Soltryce Academy. She says, yes, of course, why wouldn't she? 

(Her parents have no problem with her long hair and dresses, that she's a girl.) The shopkeepers tell her she just can't.

Soon after Bren's tenth birthday, a man from the Soltryce Academy turns up. He sees her books and asks, would she like to study at the Soltryce Academy? But he doesn't say she, the man says he.

Bren protests. She's a girl, after all, but sometimes people make mistakes. The man tells her no, if she wants to attend the Soltryce she has to be a he. She'll be so much happier this way, he says. He says he understands, he's been where she has. ( He never once refers to Bren as a she). 

Bren spends a long time thinking about it. She's a girl. Nothing anyone will say can change that. It hurts her whole insides, the thought of pretending to be a boy. But she wants to go to Soltryce more than anything, has since she was four years old.

The man comes back a few days later. He? (if the recruiter had been a girl once, should Bren call her she instead? The recruiter doesn't seem to think so, so she calls him a man and uses he/him). He tells her this will be her last chance, does she want to go with him.

(Bren knows he's right. She knows she wants to learn more than anything.)

Bren decides to go.

She's still a girl. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. She keeps her hair long even in the boy's uniform. She works so hard and it's wonderful to learn so much. (The other students are almost shameful, she thinks. To have such an opportunity and to waste it.)

She isn't really close to any of them.

Then Master Ikithon notices her. He says things like,what a great student you are, Bren, aren't you glad you decided to not keep your silly dresses? But he also says things like, I can make you great, make you special, make you so much better.

(Bren knows Ikithon is not a good person.)

(Bren thinks of her parents. She wants to be strong. To make them happy.)

She agrees.

Master Ikithon introduces her to the others. All from Blumenthal, he says. He says they are as serious as she is, that they will learn with her.

(Bren wonders why they are all from Blumenthal. But she is eager not to learn, not to waste this.)

She stays.

Master Ikithon does teach her a lot, quickly. She stays up late and works as hard as she can. Master Ikithon is moody. Sometimes he praises her, says she is his brightest student. Sometimes he tells her she's worthless.

(Bren notices Master Ikithon spends a lot of time in the dungeons. She notices lots of screams come from the dungeon.)

Bren gets good at pretending not to be afraid.

Master Ikithon was right about the other students, though. They work as hard as she does, and the isolation bonds them. Bren studies with Eodwulf and Astrid, and they become friends. Then Astrid kisses her, and she tells Astrid in whispered words underneath the covers that she's a girl.

Astrid smiles.

Astrid tells her she knows, that she doesn't care, and while they're on normal oddities, should they invite Eodwulf?

Bren doesn't even think about saying no.

Bren goes down into the dungeon. Master Ikithon is there, and there is a woman in front of him. He tells her the woman is traitor to the Empire, that traitors must be punished. (Master Ikithon has said more and more of these things over the weeks. Master Ikithon is so smart, he can't be wrong.)

Bren casts Fireball, and the woman dies.

Master Ikithon smiles. 

He tells her he's proud of her. Bren is thirteen years old, and she just killed a woman.(Maybe she deserved it, Bren thinks. She betrayed the Empire.) 

Bren smiles back.

A few weeks later, Eodwulf comes to the dungeon. He has always been less gentle than Astrid. Eodwulf proves his loyalty by killing the person in front of him after torturing then for what feels like a long, long time. 

The next day, Astrid comes down. Astrid is strong through her session, but all of them cry together after.

(Bren knows she's wrong to be doing this. At first. But. The lines blur more and more until she isn't sure. And then she is.)

Bren is loyal to the Empire.

She has grown into her womanhood, one of two indulgences she hasn't cast away. She can't. The other indulgence is Astrid and Eodwulf. She knows she needs to cut herself from ties, and so do they, but they still curl and sleep and not sleep and study and live together. She is almost fourteen years old when Ikithon calls them into his room. He sews crystals into their arms and tells them it will make them strong.

(Bren knows better than to question Ikithon. But that doesn't mean she never wonders about anything.)

Bren picks the scars on her arms.

Astrid comes skidding into her rooms one night and lifts her shirt. She is fourteen years old and Bren knows the problem immediately.

I never started, so I never thought… Astrid trails off. 

They go to the library, and find a few spells. A contraceptive cantrip and something to end the pregnancy. Bren casts it for her. There is so much blood. They are more careful after that.

(Sometimes Astrid looks sad and touches her stomach. Bren tries not to worry about it, and makes sure that Eodwulf and her always use the cantrip.) 

Bren knows she will never have a child.

Everything is bitter and painful for the next three years. Bren is taught to torture before she kills, to pull information from traitors. She learns to do so efficiently. 

(What she's done can't be wrong. It was for the good of the Empire, right? Bren thinks so again and again.)

Bren learns to be good at other things as well.

Master Ikithon teaches subterfuge, to be a spy, if necessary. To use her attractiveness as a weapon. He even teaches her to “pretend” to be a women. He eyes her critically when she does so easily, but Bren has always been a quick learner. 

(Bren enjoys these lessons, the dresses on her skin, the lipstick on her lips. She wishes they didn't have to move on.)

Bren steals one of the dresses.

She is damned lucky Astrid finds it before Master Ikithon does. Hushed, Astrid puts it in her closet. She says she'll cover for Bren. Says it's hers, or that she stole it, not Bren. 

(Bren is tired of hiding. She doesn't want Master Ikithon to blame Astrid.)

Bren owns up to stealing the dress.

She wouldn't have done it, if Master Ikithon had never asked. She's brave, but not that brave. But, Master Ikithon comes bellowing down the stairs, asking who had stolen the dress, and Bren doesn't lie.

Master Ikithon had frozen, turned towards her. Asked why. 

(Bren is so goddamn tired. So tired. And she has repressed so much.)

Bren tells the truth.

Master Ikithon is furious. He screams at her, tells her she's wrong so many times. That he would never have taught her if he'd known. Bren defends herself logically, but Master Ikithon explodes.

He slams her down into the chair. He takes her clothes off, all of them. Tells her she has a masculine body. He cuts off her hair.

(Fear pulses through her mind. But Bren is angry. She liked her hair, had worked little spells on her body to make it her own. He doesn't have a right to this.)

Bren spits in his face.

Master Ikithon's face darkens. He tortures her for a long, long time. Tells her she is mistaken about being a woman. He even brings in Astrid, but Bren doesn't like to remember that. It wasn't Astrid's fault.

(Through the daze, Bren considers she might have been wrong. Master Ikithon is so smart, and she's so tired. )

Bren tells Master Ikithon she's a boy.

Master Ikithon calms down. He touches her arm, tells her he knows she'd come along. He says she deserves a reward. It's been a while since she's gone home, hasn't it? He tells her she can still graduate after all, now that she's better. She's still loyal to the Empire, after all, and clever. Valuable.

(Somewhere deep down, Bren is suspicious. But closer, Bren is relieved. Maybe Master Ikithon was right.)

Bren smiles and agrees to go. 

They all go home, Bren and Astrid and Eodwulf. Astrid is perpetually throwing her guilty glances, but Bren puts a hand over hers. What she had to do wasn't her fault. It was to help her.

Her parents greet her, are happy to see her. Bren is happy to see them too. She deflects all their comments on her wellbeing, holding them close.

But later that night, she hears them talking of rebellion. She talks to Astrid and Eodwulf. Their parents are in on the plot, it seems. Hesitantly, they agree. Traitors must die.

(This is right this is right this is right)

Bren burns down her parent's house.

(This is wrong this is wrong this is…)

Bren breaks


	2. and then

It is a long time before anything happens after that. Bren sits in a room and crys and claws her arms and not much else. Everything is gone. A woman heals her, and everything is back.

Bren wishes it were not.

She understands better now. What she did was wrong. What Ikithon is doing is wrong. And her parents had died for a false crime they had not even committed.

She kills a guard.

Steals their anti scrying device. Grins though her burnt hands itch and sting. Ikithon won't find her.

But she doesn't know what to do. Stops grinning. Everything is still wrong. She made it wrong, and can't fix it. 

She buys a coat. A man's coat. She doesn't deserve nice things. She wears it always, as a reminder. This is hers now. No one will change it.

She does nothing for a few years. Lets herself be used for money and food. She can no longer use Bren, but she always uses a man's name. There will be no indulgences. This is a time for repentance. 

She steals a piece of bread. Is thrown in jail for it. There's a goblin, there. Ikithon would have said she was filthy. She does not.

The goblin- Nott the Brave- as she calls herself, asks for a name. Caleb Widogast, she says, not really thinking about it. 

The newly named Caleb wants to escape, and Nott says she can help. She does. They escape.

Nott doesn't ask questions, so Caleb doesn't either. She is not an idiot, she knows Nott is hiding something. Nott probably knows she's hiding things as well.

They are an odd couple, but they stay together. Become loyal to each other. Nott is especially curious about her wizard knowledge. She confides to Caleb one night that she does not like to be a goblin, that she is uncomfortable in her form.

Caleb knows well of that, though she doesn't say so. She offers to help transform her once she becomes powerful enough. Nott clings much tighter after that.

It's possible to make those transformations, Caleb knows. She had never been able to, under Ikithon's rule, but it was possible. Maybe if she repented, she would do one to herself.

They go to Trostenwald one day, and a blue tiefling girl (probably, Caleb knows better than to make assumptions) confronts her about how she smells.

Caleb knows she is smelly, though it hurts to be told so. She is not worth the trouble of cleansing. She does not deserve to be clean. She should not be noticable, either. Attractiveness can be a weapon, as Ikithon had taught her, but it also brought attention. She cannot have attention. 

Somehow, Caleb ends up in a carnival killing a giant frog. Then Caleb ends up with a group, and groups ask questions. 

They do many things together. Kill gnolls. Work with revolutionaries. Work with a crime boss. Beau asks questions, and Caleb answers with some of the truth. Not all of it. 

Fjord and Jester are kidnapped, and for the first time in a long time, Caleb is afraid.

She's getting too close, and she considers leaving the group. Nott might come with her. Nott is desperately loyal to her.

She doesn't leave. 

Molly dies. They fucking die. Gone.

She wonders if she and Nott had left, if Molly would have lived.

She supposes it doesn't matter.

The group rescues the rest, and things are worse and then better then worse.

Caleb so envies Avantika, who is so confident in her skin. She tells Fjord to have sex with Avantika, forgetting how much this would upset a normal person. She tries to forget she did that. It doesn't work, but Avantika dies, so she supposes it's over.

Nott isn't a goblin.

Caleb reveals she was once Bren. 

She almost says she to describe herself. She still doesn't deserve that. Caleb wonders if the others would agree. Maybe they wouldn't mind. 

A lot of things happen after that. Xhoras is an adventure. Caleb wishes she did not have to give up the beacon, but she knows they would find it on them anyway. She also buys a purple coat. She doesn't wear it. Caleb tells herself it is to remember Molly and their fabulous coat.

It isn't, though.

That isn't what she remembers best, though.

One night, Jester somehow ends up rooming with Caleb. Sleeping arrangements are odd, now that Yeza is here. But Jester comes over to her, tells her she has to tell her something. She's hesitant, and Caleb is afraid of illness, injury, trauma, or … what happened to Astrid all those years ago. 

Jester confesses something entirely different. Feelings. For her. 

Caleb doesn't respond, withdraws. They dance around each other for a while. Then one day, they room together again, and Caleb stumbles over her words, tries to say what matters. She does love Jester. 

She doesn't deserve to, but Jester doesn't deserve this. Jester smiles and they kiss, curling up to each other. They don't sleep together, not yet. Maybe someday.

Caleb wonders if she should tell Jester she's a girl. But she doesn't, not yet.


	3. just after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next chapter are written in a very different style because I'm inconsistent like that. Thanks for reading!

Caleb stretches over the firm wooden planks, arching her back in the steam. Jester grins over at her as she moves into the tub. “Cay-lub, come on in!” Jester shouts, waving over at her. Caleb looks over, but does not enter, scribbling another note in the margin of her book. 

Jester sighed. She'd get Caleb in the tub, she would! She moved closer to Caleb, and pulled herself out. 

“What are you doing?” She heard Caleb ask, but she didn't respond. Jester rummaged through her robes,pulling out a bottle of nail polish. It was as red as Caleb's hair. Jester giggled. She rushed back over to Caleb.

Caleb sat fully clothed but barefoot in a corner of the room, writing in some old book, feet towards her. Jester pulled out the bottle and got to work. Caleb startled when she felt Jester start painting her toes. It was… She felt a long held weight ease from her shoulders. She let out a breath, almost unwittingly. 

“I'm not stopping until you get in the tub, Cay-lub.” Jester sang out. Caleb was sensitive about masculinity sometimes. It occurred to her that she's never seen Caleb naked. Wait. She pulled back. Maybe Caleb was a trans man, maybe this would be bad for Caleb. She didn't care if Caleb was, but she didn't want Caleb to hurt.

Caleb tensed back as she felt Jester pull back from her toes. She didn't deserve this femininity, but… it had been nice.

Jester frowned as she felt Caleb tense again. Had she been wrong? Maybe Caleb liked having painted toes.

“Caleb… is this okay?” She asked softly.

Caleb didn't know how to respond.

“Look. It's okay if it isn't, okay? And I don't care what's underneath those robes, okay?” Jester bit her lip. 

Caleb dragged herself up a little before responding. 

“Yes, it's okay, Jester. Why wouldn't it be?” She replied, tilting her head. She ignored the comment about what's beneath her robes. She couldn't address it, could she? But it was nice to know, that Jester at least might be okay with… this.

“Well, some guys are just, super sensitive about masculinity. And some guys, as kids they get suspected of being woman, just because of their bodies, I guess, and it hurts them on the inside when people try to make them be girls.” Jester spread out her hands, gesturing. “And all of that's okay. I guess I should have like, asked. Before I started painting.” 

Oh, Caleb thought. Well. Words sat on her tongue, burning through her lips. But she couldn't say them. It was stupid. Jester had just shown her support, but Caleb couldn't say it.

Instead she said, “Yes. It is fine, Jester. You can paint my toes, then we'll go in the tub, hmmm?” 

Jester glanced at her, but finished her toes.

Once Jester was done, Caleb got up, preparing to take off her clothes. She was halted by Jester's hand on her shoulder.

“It's super okay if you want to disguise self, Caleb. It's fine if you don't wanna be naked, okay? And you really really don't have to tell me exactly why, okay?” For once, there was no trace of joking to her voice. 

Caleb swallowed. Everything seemed to explode within her, and she pulled off all her clothes, then disguised self. She didn't deserve this, she knew that. But fuck it. Fuck it.

She kept the red toenails. But she made her hair long, softened her jaw. Developed her chest, swerved her hips. Made herself smaller, squeezed in her shoulders. Made her fingers sleek, grew a space between her legs. Smoothed a body that felt like home for the first time in many, many years. 

It had never been particularly upsetting, her body. But it had never felt like home. This felt like home.

Jester had turned out of respect when Caleb had started pulling off clothes.

“You can turn now, Jester. This is me,” Caleb whispered, pitching her voice up. Jester turned, looking over her body. Jester opened her mouth, but Caleb raised a finger to stop her. 

“ I am a girl. I have always been a girl. This is a disguise, but like you said, that doesn't matter. I am a girl, and I am,” Her voice broke and she looked at the ground, “ So very sorry for deceiving you.” 

Jester took her hand.

“It's okay, I'm like, super pan, Cay- Wait, is there another name you'd prefer? Oh, and what about pronouns?” Jester clapped her hands together, excited. It was so cool to have a female partner! And she would support Caleb- or whatever their name would be- through anything. 

Caleb walked into the tub, absentmindedly. 

“I think just Cay will be preferable for now. And I would prefer she/her pronouns if it is not a lot of effort,” Cay wrung her hands.

“No, that's no problem! Would you like the others to do that too, Cay?” Jester asked, smiling as she climbed into the tub. 

She didn't deserve to, but Cay was exhausted. She couldn't pretend to be Caleb anymore. 

“Yes,” She breathed, lying against Jester. Jester curled an arm around her. 

“Okay, Cay. I'm sure everyone will be okay too! I'll make sure they are” Jester added, mock-threateningly. Cay swished her feet through the water, humming. The Mighty Nein had accepted Bryce and Molly. Now that she thought about it, there was no reason that they would not accept her. She had just… never felt she deserved that. 

Jester and Cay sat in the water, just lying there in the heat. Everything wasn't right, but maybe it would be. There was a weight gone from Cay's chest, and she didn't think it would settle back. She had Jester and the rest of the Mighty Nein. It was enough. Just maybe, she was enough too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't have to like painting your nails to be a trans woman, or any gender, really. And you can be nonbinary or a trans man and like painting your nails. It's all valid. Thanks for reading!


	4. and finally

"So, how do you wanna come out, Cay?” Jester asked, grabbing her hand. Cay's throat closed up. She had been brimming with adrenaline when she had come out to Jester, full of the inability to keep up the charade. But the thought of coming out to the Mighty Nein was terrifying. She knew they would accept her. But somehow, she was still so very afraid.

“Hey, it's okay if you don't want to anymore.” Jester squeezed her hand. Cay took a deep breath. 

“ I do want to be out, Jester. I am just a coward.” Cay replied, looking away from her.

“No.” Jester shrugged. “You're just scared. There's a difference.” She pulled her closer. 

“We can do anything you want. Come out any way you like, not come out at all. It's all super great, okay?” 

Cay took a breath. It would be okay. She wanted to be out. 

“I do want to be out, Jester. Do you have any, ah, suggestions?” Cay asked.

“We could put you in a dress and some makeup?” Jester suggested, hesitant.

“No, not yet. I don't want to shock them too much. I want to do that, yes, but. Later.” Caleb replied, twisting at her hands. 

Jester hummed, thinking. 

“I could start calling you Cay and using she/her in front of others?” Jester offered. 

Cay considered it. It seemed the easiest way. Also, Jester would be in the conversation too, so she wouldn't be alone.

“Yes, I think I would like that. Just make sure to do it in front of me the first few times.” She whispered.

“Great!” Jester yelled, grabbing her hand. Cay blushed, but let herself be dragged along. Together, they ran back to the Mighty Nein.

Later that night, Cay lay against Jester, curled into her side. She wasn't asleep, as she was sure Jester knew, but she was almost there.

“Hey, Jester, is Caleb asleep?” Fjord asked. 

Cay sat back up, and suddenly, she didn't care.

“No, she's not,” Cay replied, running a hand over her eyes. She tensed up. That had been stupid, she had agreed for Jester to do it, and what if Fjord was angry-

“She?” Fjord asked. Cay forced herself to make eye contact. There was no malice in his eyes, only open curiosity. The same as had been with Molly. Why had she thought it would be different?

Her throat was still dry, though.

“Yes. I.” She grabbed at her coat, tugging at it with her hands. “I am a girl. I always have been a girl. I just.” She swiped her sleeve over her eyes, hoping they would assume she was still tired.

“Well, there's nothing wrong with that,” Caduceus drawled from behind Fjord. “Anything you'd like to change?” Caduceus asked.

“I-yes. Can you call me, ah. Cay? For now. And she/her pronouns, please. If you don't mind.” Cay stuttered through the whole speech. 

“I'd like to offer my support, Cay.” Fjord said, inclining his head in a nod. “It's certainly no trouble.”

“I'm with Mr. Fjord, Miss Cay. Just tell us if there's anything you need.” Caduceus said.

Cay nodded, dazed, then turned to Jester. She was grinning and holding out her arms.

Cay leaned into the hug. 

“I'm so proud of you,” Jester whispered into her ear.

“It's just Fjord and Caduceus,” Cay muttered, ears red. But she smiled.

Later, she takes everything out of her brown coat.

Nott comes in afterward, Yeza by her side.

“Hello, Caleb,” She said, glancing towards her.

Cay took a deep breath. It was time to be brave again. 

“Nott?” Cay whispered. She swallowed. Jester wasn't here, and that was terrifying. But it was Nott, and. And. Cay didn't know what she'd do if Nott rejected her.

“Yes, Caleb?” Nott looked towards her, that vague smile that always accompanied Yeza's presence on her face.

“It's not. It's not Caleb, if that isn't too much trouble. It's Cay, please.” Cay's voice may have shaken, but when Nott opened her mouth to interrupt, she held up a hand. “ I'm a girl. I always was. I couldn't say so for a while, but. I am.” She shook her head.

Nott and Yeza looked at each other.

Nott walked closer, reaching forth a hesitant hand.

“Cay… this doesn't change anything. You're still my,” Nott glanced briefly at Yeza, “my friend. My best friend. And I'll kill anyone who hurts you!” She pulled her dagger out with her other hand, nodding decisively.

“I shouldn't think this changes much,” Yeza added, more meekly. 

“You're right it doesn't!” Nott yelped, waving her dagger at him.

Yeza put up his hands, and Nott sheathed the blade. 

She sat down next to Cay on the bed.

“You thought I would be angry.” She whispered.

“Others have been,” Cay muttered, staring down at the bed. 

“I'm so sorry.” Yeza whispered awkwardly, from across the room. 

Nott glanced at him, then turned back to Cay.

Nott leaned against her, and Cay melted into it.

“Tell us if you need anything. You know that for you, I'd. No.” Nott said decisively. “We'd do everything.”

She still didn't look at Nott.

“Thank you.” She mumbled, almost underneath her breath. 

Cay put everything into her purple coat.

Jester, Nott, Yeza, and Cay all curled up together that night.

The next morning, Cay realized she hadn't come out to someone. Beau.

Well, this would be awkward.

She got up, moving over to where Beau was getting up. 

“What's up, man?” Beau grumbled.

“I. Ah. I am not a man.” It came out almost like a question. 

“Alright. That's cool.” Beau seemed slightly taken back, but not too much.

“I'm a woman.” She adds.

Beau flashed a thumbs up.

“You aren't angry?” Cay asked, relief flooding through her body. 

“No. Was someone angry at you? That's a stupid question.” Beau waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. “It was you know, him, wasn't it?” 

Cay did know.

“Yes.” She replied, simply.

“We'll get him for you, if you want. We've got the Bright Queen on our side.” Beau said, packing up her bag. 

“Thank you. That, ah. That means a lot.” Cay smiled. This was almost everyone, though Yasha was gone on a voyage for the Storm Lord. Cay would tell her when she got back.

“Oh, and. It's Cay.” She added, almost as an afterthought.

Beau nodded at her.

Cay returned to her sleeping spot. It's been over fifteen years since she has had people who would always refer to her as female. It's an amazing feeling. 

They begin the travel back to Felderwin, to pick up Luke. 

Cay hadn't realized before how much happier this made everyone. People slipped up sometimes, but they always apologized. The mood was so much lighter, and she felt so free.

“You're looking happy, Miss Cay.” Caduceus commented. 

“I am.” Cay said, putting her hands in the robe's pockets.

“Hey, Cay. Know what this means? Shopping trip!” Beau shouted from the front of the cart.

Fjord groaned.

“Shut up, Fjord!” Nott shrieked. 

“Ohhh, she's right, Cay! I have some clothes, if you want them, but we can buy some more!” Jester laughed, clapping her hands. Sobering for a minute, she turned to Cay. "Only if you want to, though!"

“I would like that, Jester.” Cay smiled at her. 

Eventually, the day ran out, and the Mighty Nein found camp.

After making camp, everyone settled around a small fire.

“There is one thing I'd still like to do.” Cay announced.

“Yeah?” Fjord asked.

Cay picked up her brown coat. It had been hers for a long, long, time. 

She threw it in the flames.

There was a collective inhale across the camp. 

“Why?” Nott squeaked, finally.

Cay laughed, softly, the firelight playing over her face.

She'd cast Disguise Self again, and she threw her longer hair over her back.

“That was never really me. I just wanted it to be.” She replied. “Don't worry, though, Nott, I moved my spell components to this one.” She gestured to her purple robe. 

“That's great, uh- Damn it, there's no good one syllable word for woman! Girl, woman, lady-” Beau listed.

“Dame?” Fjord suggested. 

Beau snorted, lightly punching him in the shoulder.

“Funny, man. Ah, it's alright, I'll just call you Cay.” Beau made a dismissive gesture.

Cay smiled back at her.

“Thank you.”

“It's like I said, Cay- no problem.”

Cay laid back, staring at the sky. For the first time since she had kill- been brainwashed into killing her parents, she felt herself. And maybe, just maybe, like she deserved the Mighty Nein.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the fic! Hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to comment if I missed a tag, got something wrong, and of course, positivity! I'm still learning better writing as I go. And again, thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I know not all trans people know their identity from birth/a young age. That's perfectly fine and is valid, I just thought it worked best for this fic. I have the entire fic written and will post it soon, sooner if I get a positive response or a critique. Thanks for reading!


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